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Green Harbor Publications Research
Green Harbor Publications occasionally conducts research projects. Here are some examples: Commentaries
The End of an Era (in Spam e-Mail)
Dashes everywhere / Odd capitalization / and punctuation
Rejected by McSweeney's
Tweeting Robots and Algorithmic Retweeting
Why Do We Collect Spam e-Mail Titles?
The Spam e-Mail Floodgates Have Re-Opened
Spam e-Mail Title Haiku Fortunes
Stock Market Manipulation through Spam e-Mail?
Angry Friend Spam e-Mails
We're Not the Only Random Haiku Generator
Lies
Spring Is Coming and So Is Tax Season
Breaking the Spam e-Mail Title Code: The Holiday Version
Hello, My Gentle Sun, Let's Talk
Finding the Elusive Natural Spam e-Mail Title Haiku
Somebody with an Arabic Name Wants to Be Your Friend on Facebook
Breaking the Spam e-Mail Title Code
Stolen Love Quotes for Viagra Spam e-Mail Titles
Spam e-Mail Title Popularity Contest - The Winner Is: Jessica Alba!
The Spam e-Mail Title Haiku Generator
The Spam e-Mailer's Thesaurus
Cell Phone Use and Driving


The End of an Era (in Spam e-Mail)
March 2016: As someone who has collected spam e-mail titles for nearly eight years I feel qualified to make the following statement: the golden era of spam e-mail is over. When I first started collecting, spam e-mail titles were often fun or bizarre or refreshingly quirky. They rarely are now. It’s odd to be disappointed by this drop in quality, but I am. It’s a sign of how this justly-maligned form of communication has matured. What used to be new is now repetitive. The bizarre has almost entirely disappeared. The eye-catching past has turned into the present doldrums.

In 2011 I published a collection of spam-e-mail title poems called,
“Hello, My Gentle Sun, Let’s Talk.” This is the title poem from that collection:

Hello, my gentle sun, let's talk.
You have little joy in life? Lacks warmth and affection? Come to me.
I can do for you is - what can not no girl!
I remember what you have large, I liked to you!
Take me gently caressing my bunny!

Each line is the complete e-mail title from spam that I received. No changes were made to the spelling, capitalization, or punctuation. These are compelling spam e-mail titles. Nothing approaches this today. The source material has weakened for reasons I can only guess at. Maybe the creative spammers were caught, punished, and put on a path toward e-mail righteousness. Maybe they’ve learned that creativity isn’t rewarded. Maybe they’ve adapted their style to get around spam filters. I will never know the real reason.

Celebrities were often mentioned in relation to sex, nudity, or drugs, but these references have now vanished almost entirely (unless you count Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton). It’s all Viagra and f@*k buddies and military-grade flashlights. There’s very little fun anymore.

In addition to the book, “Hello, My Gentle Sun, Let’s Talk,” two other spam e-mail title poetry initiatives sprung from this formerly rich source material. One was the Spam e-mail Title Haiku Fortune Teller, which is a collection of 50+ haiku that are like what you would see in a Chinese fortune cookie if they decided to composed the fortunes out of spam e-mail titles. Here are two examples:

GOOD DAY MY DEAR FRIEND
Sorry for bringing bad news
Time waits for no man
CONGRATULATIONS!
You don't have to be ashamed
you look amazing

The other output from this spam e-mail research is the Random Spam e-Mail Title Haiku Generator. This is an algorithm that chooses from a database of five- and seven-syllable spam e-mail titles and randomly creates a haiku. The results are admittedly spotty though occasionally they are amusing, for example:

Your answer is here
For heroic manliness
Atlantic City
I feel that you need
Printing of High Quality
Let's get acquainted

Not long ago, in a conscious attempt to improve the results, I decided to limit the total number of titles and remove health references (to herpes or diabetes or other illnesses). I also took out the nonsensical or boring e-mail titles. This has improved the results somewhat, but unfortunately not a lot. Still, I like the randomness of it, and occasionally I use the generator as a way to juxtapose lines in ways that might not have occurred to me otherwise.

In a month, or maybe two, I will update the Random Spam e-Mail Title Haiku Generator for the last time. I will stop collecting e-mail titles. I knew that this would happen someday. Yet it’s not that I’m tired of collecting the titles, I just never expected that the reason for stopping would be a drop in quality. Come on, they’re spam e-mail titles. Quality is hardly part of the equation.

And so to the pioneers I say goodbye. Sorry to see you go. Those who have followed in your footsteps are not up to the high standards that you set not so long ago.

Dashes everywhere / Odd capitalization / and punctuation
June 2015: A recently noticed trend in spam e-mail titles (that we collect for the
Random Spam e-Mail Title Haiku Generator) is some extremely odd punctuation (and to a lesser extent) capitalization. Dashes appear randomly in the middle of sentences. Multiple variations on the same theme appear, differentiated only be punctuation and capitalization. Could this be a way to circumvent spam filters? Some examples below:

Buy - pet-Food-- For Less
Get back - to Your Prime.
Grow - your business with Email.
Harvard; And Herpes!!.
Harvard, And herpes.
New penny - stock Picks!!.
No more calorie - counting
Rehab - can help-- you get clean
Start A - career as A nurse!.
Stop - Snoring tonight!
THE END- IS NEAR - BE PREPARED.
THE END... IS NEAR... BE-PREPARED
WARS FOUGHT, TO KEEP THIS... HIDDEN
WARS FOUGHT- TO KEEP THIS- HIDDEN.
WARS - FOUGHT- TO KEEP THIS.. HIDDEN...


Rejected by McSweeney's
March 2015: The entry below was submitted to McSweeney’s (to be exact, it was submitted to the Column called ‘List’ on
Timothy McSweeney’s Internet Tendency but sadly it was not accepted. Here’s the entire text of the rejection e-mail: “These are fun, but I’ve seen other spam haikus in the past. Am a bit worn out by the conceit. Thanks for considering us, though.”

Real spam e-mail titles arranged as haiku

You will not regret
A Watch with a Distinct Style
Makes you look younger

Fighting with illness?
The vicious circle of life
Should correct itself....

GOOD DAY MY DEAR FRIEND
Sorry for bringing bad news
Time waits for no man

I feel that you need
Reasons to celebrate love.
Waste no further time

You need to know this
Stop being a nervous wreck
This will change your life

I'd love to see you
Show true love to your lover
You Get What you Give

Aliens spotted
Lost in space, nowhere to go
Dare to find out more

Anxious? We Can Help
DETOXICATE YOUR BODY!
that's our proposal

CONGRATULATIONS!
You don't have to be ashamed
you look amazing

The Calm Before the...
LinkedIn Notification
Always be ready

Full of principle
I hear great things about you
So Perfect And Rare

If you still need to
Be a passionate sinner
You are our first pick

Reese Witherspoon says
Want a good bang for the buck?
Replica Watches

You I really liked
Indescribable beauty
It made me shiver

The Countdown is On
You could die from heart failure
Believe in yourself

Bored in Your Marriage?
Have a Discreet Affair.
I'm sure that will help

Do you remember?
The answer to everything
Relish small pleasures


Tweeting Robots and Algorithmic Retweeting
March 2015: Green Harbor Publications has been active on Twitter for several years through three accounts:
@FreeFallReport, @44thbgROH, and @Writing69th. Jim Hamilton, Green Harbor Publication’s founder, is also quite active with his @jrhinfotrends Twitter account. Through all of this, we’ve started noticing some odd activity on Twitter related to certain accounts. We put them in two categories:
  • Tweeting Robots: Some accounts appear to have been created solely as promotional tools. These can be described as ‘tweeting robots’ since all they ever tweet are promotional offers for services like airline travel and printing. Perhaps not surprisingly, the profile photos for these accounts are attractive young women.
  • Algorithmic Retweeting: Another observation is that some Twitter accounts retweet particular hashtags automatically. Try doing a search on the hashtag ‘#print’ (or ‘#vistaprint’) and you will find a number of the tweeting robots described above. You will also see that virtually all of the tweets with the hashtag ‘#print’ have been retweeted by an account called @PrintingDeals. This account has been configured somehow to automatically retweet certain hashtags related to print. Tweeting robots and algorithmic retweeting inspire a lot questions. Who runs these accounts? Is this type of usage widespread? What businesses create, manage, and sell access to the tweeting robot accounts? Is this something that is really organized or is it just a bunch of individuals trying to game the system? Is there an interrelation between the two groups? None of the tweeting robots have a lot of followers. Why would they? Who would intentionally follow an account if they knew it was just promoting ads? Yet there is something symbiotic going on because an algorithmic retweeter like @PrintingDeals is essentially a megaphone for the tweeting robots. It seems likely that this is intentional. I followed @PrintingDeals because I’m interested in print, but looking more closely all I see are retweets. Not a single ‘favorite and only an occasional original tweet asking for people to send in their printing deals.
I think this trend amounts to more than just a few rogue users. I think it points back to the overwhelming corporate desire to monetize their social media activities. To meet that need, innovative and hungry service providers have figured out a way to advertise on Twitter without having to deal with Twitter directly. Twitter, though, is certainly aware of these types of tweeting robots, which is why some of the accounts shown in the picture above may have been deleted by the time you read this.


Why Do We Collect Spam e-Mail Titles?
October 2013: There are four basic reasons:

The Spam e-Mail Floodgates Have Re-Opened
September 2013: I noticed a few days ago that the number of spam e-mails I was receiving had greatly increased. Not only that, but the titles were ones that looked very familiar. These are all spam e-mails that used to arrive repeatedly and with great regularity. Most have to do with penis enlargement and have titles like:
  • Thrill her more every night
  • Give her more of yourself
  • Impress all in the locker room
  • A babe-filled life awaits you
Another common title topic is Hollywood:
  • Christina Aguilera undressed
  • Child actress Abigail Breslin turns bad
  • Jay Leno found taking drugs
  • Britney throws off top
And other old favorites:
  • The boy who cried wolf
  • Jailed because of skimpy wear
  • 10 things women hate
  • This will change your life
I wonder what happened. It’s as if someone turned off the spam e-mail spigot at this particular spammer for a couple of years and then decided to turn it back on, but never bothered to update the titles.


Spam e-Mail Title Haiku Fortunes
August 2013: A new development from Green Harbor Publications Research will provide you with your fortune in the form of a spam e-mail title haiku.
Enjoy!

Update (September 2013): As new fortunes are written, they are added to the generator. Get your fortune today!


Stock Market Manipulation through Spam e-Mail?
February 2012: The most consistently seen spam e-mail type since the beginning of the new year is financial. The number of e-mails received is high and all of the titles are similar:
  • This Company Is Still the Best Play
  • Make sure to get some while the getting is good.
  • Another Day and More Great News
  • Can you really get rich with micro caps?
  • It Opened Up Strong This Morning!
The truly odd part of this is that the body of each e-mail bears the name ‘MICROELECTRONICS TECHNOLOGY CO’ (under the stock symbol MELY). A look at this stock (and it appears to be
an actual company) shows a history of starting 2012 at around 25 cents, peaking around 38 cents later in the year, and then plummeting to under 5 cents not long after. It was trading today (2/18/13) at 1.63 cents. Sending spam e-mails would seem to be an unusual way to influence a stock, and in this case, it doesn’t seem to be helping very much.

I’ve given some thought about whether I should post this. After all, this web site was the target of a denial of service attack not long ago (see September 2011 entry on the Free Fall Research page). In my paranoid moments I wonder whether something I wrote about spam e-mail pissed off some spammer.

Ever hear those stories about how during World War II secret messages would be passed to agents in enemy territory through radio broadcasts? There would be some cryptic message read by an announcer (“the gardeners will be planting tulips” or something along those lines) whose code could be interpreted by the agent in the field. I have this odd feeling that spam e-mail could serve the same purpose today, and it would be easier to do since no one is really watching it. Well, no one except for me.

Update (March 2013): Something odd happened in the middle of February. The ‘MICROELECTRONICS TECHNOLOGY CO’ spam e-mail messages stopped. After a pause of about a week, a similar series of e-mail messages started coming in (sample title: ‘This Company is the next Play’). The only thing that was different was the company name. Now it’s ‘GOLD AND GEM STONE MINING, CORP.’ Again, it’s a real company (stock symbol: GGSM). The first message came on March 2nd and it may have caused a slight bump in the stock the following Monday.


Angry Friend Spam e-Mails
June 2012: Another recent trend in spam e-mail could be called the ‘angry friend.’ An e-mail from a ‘friend’ arrives complaining bitterly about photos that have been posted on the Internet. They urge the user to remove the disturbing images. The sender conveniently includes the posted photos as an attachment, a zip file. Here’s what a few say:

  • Why did you have to put these photos online? All the hell is gonna break loose now don't you understant? Take them down immediately! Don't tell me you don't know what photos I'm talking about! Check attachment!
  • I got to admint your GF has a nice butt:) I just don't know how these photos leaked online. I don't think your GF in in adult business isn't she?? anyway I received this picture from three of mine FB buddies today. It's in attachment
  • Someone sent me these pictures they seem to be from you and your boyfriend I'm really troubled by this why do you send your private naked photos around?? this is beyound my understanding. It's in attachment
  • Do you know who posted these photos online?? This is strange cause there's your FB acc there. Why did you do it and how did you get my photos?? This is a crime actually do you know?? I put one photo in attachment. We have to clear this thing or else I'll have to contact my lawer!
These e-mails get an “A” for drama but an “F” for spelling. The subject lines are also well done for their angst. Some examples:
  • How can you be so cruel to me? I'll have to react and destroy you.
  • I can assure you you're in deep sh*t now over those photos. You know what I mean.
  • Let's put this behind us once and for all I know you broke into my email.
  • This has the potential to ruin you completely.
  • You can't say I haven't warned you now enjoy the consequences.
  • You'll reap just what you sow! You'll be really sorry about what you've done to me.
  • Your private photos are there for anyone to see. why??
  • The police investigation is under way now. You'll be really sorry about what you have done.

We're Not the Only Random Haiku Generator
May 2012: If you are reading this, there's a very good chance you are familiar with our
Spam e-Mail Title Haiku Generator. It turns out that ours is not the only random haiku generator on the web. There's also one called The Genuine Haiku Generator whose haikus are definitely more artsy than ours. This type of tool is similar to one called The Web Economy Bullshit Generator, which we think you will find amusing.

Update (August 2013): I found an even better random haiku generator (except for all the ads).


Lies
April 2012: Many spam e-mail titles are outright lies, but there are some that are particularly vile, such as inheritance and other money scams. 'Legitimate arrangement' or 'Kind Proposal' are a flimsy cover for scams with only evil in mind. And so I've created a separate category called 'Lie' in my spam e-mail title database for this particular type of title. These lying spam e-mail titles are arguably much more odious than XXX spam e-mail titles that make all sorts of unlikely promises, since those at least are not trying to disguise themselves. Here are a couple of other examples from the 'Lies' category:
  • I'm in trouble!
  • Fraud Protection Alert
  • Mutual Benefit & Trust
  • STRICTLY PERSONAL(REPLY FAST)

Spring Is Coming and So Is Tax Season
March 2012: It's a sure sign of the end of winter when spam e-mails shift over from terms like 'winterful' to 'springtime.' For example:
  • Get Oneofakind Feeling at Winterful Offer
  • Create Oneofakind Satisfaction at Springtime Savings
And (pardon the pun) there has been a flurry of tax-related titles:
  • Income Tax appeal rejected.
  • Internal Revenue service notification.
  • IRS notification of your tax appeal status.
  • Rejection of your tax appeal.
  • Your tax appeal is rejected.
  • Your tax appeal motion is rejected.
  • Your tax return appeal is declined.
I pity the poor harried citizen who falls for one of these scams.


Breaking the Spam e-Mail Title Code: The Holiday Version
January 2012: Here’s a holiday twist on
a familiar concept. These e-mails began in December and continued into early January. Here are the titles:
  • Create Lasting Happiness at Holiday Sale
  • Create Oneofakind Happiness at Jolly Offer
  • Create Oneofakind Satisfaction at Jolly Sale
  • Enjoy Lasting Love at Winterful Deals
  • Enjoy Special Happiness at Christmas Sale
  • Share Unique Moment at Jolly Sale
  • Share Youthful Happiness at Xmas Deals
  • Show Oneofakind Feeling at Winterful Offer
  • Show Oneofakind Love at Christmas Discounts
  • Share Oneofakind Love at Winterful Offer
  • Show Oneofakind Passion at Xmas Offer
  • Show Special Satisfaction at Yuletide Offer
  • Show Youthful Love at Christmas Deals
This time they split into a five-part formula. You will see a lot of overlap between columns A through C and the previous round of this type of e-mails. The new twist is in columns D and E. I particularly like ‘Winterful’ as a synonym for Christmas, Holiday, Jolly, Xmas, and Yuletide.

A B C D E
Create Lasting Happiness at Christmas Deals
Enjoy Oneofakind Feeling at Holiday Discounts
Share Special Love at Jolly Offer
Show Unique Moment at Winterful Sale
Youthful Passion at Xmas
Satisfaction at Yuletide


Hello, My Gentle Sun, Let's Talk
October 2011: After a limited release to a select few, Green Harbor Publications is now making available to the public Jim Hamilton's first collection of spam e-mail title poetry. This book, entitled "Hello, My Gentle Sun, Let's Talk," is a collection of found poetry crafted from spam e-mail titles. To order a copy, please go to
the Green Harbor Publications web storefront.


Finding the Elusive Natural Spam e-Mail Title Haiku
September 2011: I want to find a natural haiku in a spam e-mail title. It would have to be 17 syllables long and break sensibly into three segments of 5, 7, and 5 syllables. So far I haven't found one, but these two examples come close:

Your boss will surely (5)
promote you, if you buy (6)
another diploma. (6)

The divine disrupts (5)
the standardized pornography (8)
within a duck (4)

The numbers in parentheses show how each of these is only one syllable off from 5-7-5. Finding a true natural haiku will not come easy, and so the search continues.

Update (October 2011):
This one isn't great, but it is a natural haiku from a spam e-mail title.


50% Off
Premium Luxury and
Luxury Watches

Update (November 2011):
This one is a little better, but still not that great. The search goes on.


Your Facebook account
has been disabled by an
administrator.

Update (February 2012):
They keep getting a little better but this one is really a 7-5-5 at heart. (Move the word 'degree' to the first line and you'll see what I mean.)


Is your lack of a
degree holding you back from
career advancement?

Update (December 2012):
This one’s not too bad.


Cheaper than ever
and there is no need to wait
ages in the stores.

Update (March 2013):
This one's pretty good.


Chic Russian ladies
are willing to correspond
with foreign people !

Update (April 2015):
Another good one.


I am sure you are
willing to try anything
to get thin again

Update (May 2015):
A little off, but not bad.


If you are under
forty you should always keep
an eye on the ball!


Somebody with an Arabic Name Wants to Be Your Friend on Facebook
September 2011: The new trend in spam e-mails is titles like "Shawqi Turk wants to be friends on Facebook". What's up with that? Is someone trying to give computer viruses to Arabs? Are they trying to annoy non-Arab Facebook members? Is it some kind of code? The e-mails have a fake Facebook return address and look like messages from Facebook. Here are some of the names that have come our way recently: Ahlaam Hamid, Nizaar Salah, Raafida Ahmed, Shawqi Turk, Sidqi Ismail, Taaha Ibrahim, Tawfeeq Abolhassan, Waheeda Hassan, and Waheeda Mustafa. Does anyone know if these are even names that are used in that part of the world? Is there a pattern? Can anyone help?
Send an e-mail to Jim Hamilton if you have any ideas.

Around the time another fake Facebook message started coming in: "You have 1 lost message on Facebook..." A lost message? It would be a little more believable if the e-mail didn't contain the following line: "FAQ: Can you recieve messages if your inbox is full?" Note to spam e-mailers: "I before E, except after C."


Breaking the Spam e-Mail Title Code
August 2011: Have a look at the following spam e-mail titles:
  • Create Solid Satisfaction You Desire
  • Experience Amazing Moment Again
  • Express Wonderful Love Tonight
  • Share Special Feeling All Night Long
Do you see what is similar in all of these?

How about these?
  • Create Amazing Moment You Desire
  • Create Amazing Moment Again
  • Create Amazing Love Again
  • Create Special Love Again
  • Experience Special Love Again
Once you've seen enough of these spam e-mail titles it becomes clear that they are being generated based on a four-part formula that mixes and matches a group of words that are selected for their ability to make sense when cobbled together at random. Just pick one each from columns A through D.

A B C D
Create Amazing Feeling Again
Experience Lasting Love Forever
Express One-of-a-kind Moment Like Never Before
Feel Special Passion Tonight
Share Wonderful Satisfaction With Your Partner

Despite the nifty titles, my spam filter still identifies these for what they are. Yet I do appreciate the extra effort.


Stolen Love Quotes for Viagra Spam e-Mail Titles
July 2011: It's sad, but now the spam e-mailers are stealing their e-mail titles from web sites like
www.1-love-quotes.com and www.inspirational-quotes-and-quotations.com (and probably a million other places). It's touching in a fake and superficial way that they would decide to try this, particularly since the content of the spam e-mail is about sex, not love. Here are some of the quotes they are using.
  • Each moment of a happy lover's hour is worth an age of dull and common life
  • For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it.
  • How delicious is the winning of a kiss at love's beginning.
  • Love distills desire upon the eyes, love brings bewitching grace into the heart.
  • Love is like a Rhino, short-sighted, but always willing to find a way.
  • Love is a fabric which never fades, no matter how often it is washed in the water of adversity and grief.
  • Love is a fruit in season at all times, and within reach of every hand.
  • Love is a state of mind which has nothing to do with the mind.
  • Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides
  • Love is an ocean of emotions, entirely surrounded by expenses.
  • Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies
  • Love is the only kind of fire which is never covered by insurance.
  • Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
  • Take away love, and our earth is a tomb.
  • There is no remedy for love but to love more.
  • To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven.
  • True love begins when nothing is looked for in return.
  • True love is eternal, infinite, and always like itself.
  • True love is like a ghost; everyone talks of it, few have seen it.
  • When you are in Love you can't fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams.
  • Where we love is home, home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts.
And here’s one more, courtesy of Ralph Waldo Emerson:
  • Thou art to me a delicious torment
It’s quite ironic that spam e-mailers would use this quote, which comes from one of Emerson's Friendship Essays. Could he ever have imagined that his words would be used this way?


Spam e-Mail Title Popularity Contest - The Winner Is: Jessica Alba!
April 2011: Another interesting aspect of spam e-mail titles is that celebrities are often named in them, usually in reference to a diet, illicit drug use, inappropriate sexual activity, or nudity. Almost all of them are women except for the President and fictional characters such as the Hulk or Superman. Of the 2,000+ titles that Green Harbor Publications has collected there were about 90 mentions of celebrities. Barack Obama managed to crack the top five, but first place went to Jessica Alba who edged out Katy Perry and Britney Spears. President Obama was just out of medal contention in fourth place and Rachel Ray was fifth. Other frequently mentioned names included: Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston, Natalie Portman, Salma Hayek, Anne Hathaway, Ellen DeGeneres, Oprah Winfrey, and Pamela Anderson.


The Spam e-Mail Title Haiku Generator
April 2011: Green Harbor Publications has been collecting spam e-mail titles since 2009 and now has a database of more than 2,000. We've catalogued them and recorded their rhyme, number of syllables, and subject. We've selected about 275 of these titles for use in a web tool that randomly creates a haiku made up of the actual spam e-mail titles. This
random spam e-mail haiku generator is offered free of charge by Green Harbor Publications. Enjoy!


The Spam e-Mailer's Thesaurus
April 2011: The most common topic in spam e-mail is how a man can increase the size of his penis. The actual word 'penis' is rarely used, and instead slang terms are employed. The slang terms for 'penis' that people actually know (such as 'cock') are less favored probably because they would be more likely to be screened out by e-mail filters. So this is where the spam e-mailers get creative and use words that are descriptive but not necessarily suggestive, unless seen in the context of surrounding words. See the list of 84 examples below. The most common euphemisms (in rank order) are: Manhood, Rod, Tool, and Device. "Manhood" appears in about 9% of these e-mail titles.

Banana
Batman
Bazooka
Bone
Bone-on
Boner
Cannon
Cactus
Choad
Cock
Cockzilla
Cucumber
Device
Dick
Dong
Dork
Dude-gun
Firm thing
Gigantic tool
Hill
Hose
Huge stick
Hulk's Thingy
Instrument
Iron
Item
Long friend
Love locomotive
Love tool
Lovestick
Lovetool
Male bone
Male device
Mammoth
Man Pole
Man~Python
Manhood
Manliness
Man-Python
Man's hammer
Man-Snake
Masculinity
Meat
Meat-stick
Monster
Monster in your pants
Nimrod
Organ
Package
Pecker
Peepee
Penetrator
Penis
Phallus
Pink
Pipe
Pole
Prick
Pride
Rocket
Rock-Like
Rod
Sausage
Schlong
Shaft
Shaft of love
Snake
Soldier
Spire
Steely hardness
Stiffy
Thingy
Throbbing gristle
Tool
Tower
Tree
Trouser Snake
Wang
Weapon
Weenie
Wiener
Willie
Winky
Woody


Cell Phone Use and Driving
February 2010: Have you ever wondered how many drivers are talking on their cell phones? Have you ever counted? I have. I frequently take a walk at lunchtime. About a year ago I began counting cars as they went by and noting the number of drivers who I could see talking on a cell phone. Over a period of about ten months and 47 walks I counted a total of 2,942 cars. I counted every motorized vehicle that went by, including ones like motorcycles and 18-wheelers that were unlikely to have cell-phone-using drivers. I only registered a cell-phone user when I could clearly see the phone. There may have been some drivers using hands-free systems or ear pieces but it is very hard to tell when a car passes you at 35 to 50 miles per hour. Some people rest their heads on their fists in a pose that looks like they are talking on a cell phone. I didn’t count that. Nor did I count the people who appeared to be fiddling with their radios, though they may have been texting on their cell phones. I didn’t count passengers talking on their phones, only drivers. The result was surprising, but before I tell you the answer, I want you to take a guess of what you think the result was. What was the percent of cell-phone-using drivers? Okay now, pause before reading further and take a guess.

I’ve conducted this exercise with a number of people and I’ve noted a pattern. I suspect that your guess will be higher than what I tell you I discovered in those lunchtime walks. My theory is that cell-phone using drivers are of such an annoyance to people that they tend to think there are more of them than there actually are.

I counted about 63 cars on a typical walk. There was always at least one cell-phone talker among them, and on one remarkable day there were nine. The average was 7.4% or about one out of every 13.6 cars that passed. Let me state this again for the purpose of clarity: Over a period of ten months starting in March of 2009 I recorded 217 cars with cell-phone-talking drivers out of a total of 2,942 motorized vehicles that passed me (a 7.4% rate).

You’re probably thinking that it can’t be true. The number must be higher. Not in my experience. And I bet if you took the time to count your number would be about the same. So what does this mean? Not much. All I have is one number for one road at lunchtime. Would it be comparable to other roads around the country? Who knows? Maybe you should try counting next time you take a walk.

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